Author: vajradevi

Freedom from Clinging: Kiss the Joy!

One of my first Dharma teachers was the appropriately named Dhammarati – he who delights in the law, the teachings of the Buddha. In 1984 I’d been attending the London (Triratna) Buddhist Centre for a few months following an initial 6-day residential retreat. I spotted a poster for a weekend event he was leading at the Centre and signed up. It was quite an intimate event with maybe 10 of us tucked away in a back study room in the large converted fire station in East London.

 I don’t remember much about the content of the weekend, but one gesture that Dhammarati used quite frequently has stayed with me for over 40 years. It is possible the theme had something to do with the Paramitas (Perfections), one of which is dana, or giving, because the gesture or mudra was of a clenched fist gently relaxing into an open hand. It is such a simple movement, but I find it striking that, rather than the teachings and discussions from those two days, this is what has stayed with me, not just as a memory or an image in the mind, but a visceral felt sense of this is what the spiritual life is about.

Open handed and open-hearted giving are said not to lead directly to wisdom itself but to be a crucial supporting factor. Sangharakshita has said that we should always be giving something; giving of our time or energy, giving materially, or giving of the Dharma. Giving of our confidence or fearlessness is another form of dana much needed in our world today. The Buddha said we should give freely, without expectation of reward or benefit in return. Training in dana as an attitude and an orientation point us towards the mind and heart that are, in those moments of giving, free from clinging.

In a recent interview for Tricycle Magazine, Joseph Goldstein talks about the defining issue that all Buddhist traditions have in common; they are tackling the deep-seated human tendency to cling and searching for the mind of ‘non-clinging.’ In those moments when we give, we go beyond our self-referential desires, including the desire to protect and insulate ourselves by shoring up physical and mental ‘stuff’ around us.  Dana softens the mind and helps make visible the deeper ways that the mind clings.

Clinging is that closed fist, and it hurts to cling. By clinging or grasping, we are trying to guard against losing what we are holding on to, and so we often feel tense and brittle. The heart-mind becomes tight and held in check, and this can translate to pain and tension in the body. This in turn creates uneasiness and an indefinable feeling that something isn’t quite right. Clinging is a deeply ingrained human habit, and mostly, we don’t know another way but to hang on. Our defensiveness is not protecting healthy boundaries but making sure we don’t lose what we consider ‘mine’ or whatever threatens ‘me.’

One of my favourite Dharma teachings is that of the Four Upadanas, four aspects of experience that we cling to. Firstly, the Buddha says, we cling to our sense experiences to try and create a feeling of security. Then there are two aspects relating to views; one to views in general including ideological and philosophical beliefs, and thirdly, views specifically about what we call ‘self.’ Finally, we cling to rituals and practices, creating an over-reliance on externals as a way to Enlightenment. These are a rich source of investigation – and we’ll be exploring them over New Year on a 5-day retreat (more info HERE).

Even though it creates suffering to keep our fist tightly closed, it is counter-productive to try to force it open. Practice is not about ignoring our own psychological defences but using a kindly, spacious, awareness with the intelligence of wisdom, to investigate how we cling and see for ourselves how it hurts. When we see this over time the natural response is to release clinging, to let go. In meditation, when we cultivate an awareness characterised by ease rather than control, and an open mind rather than a pre-determined agenda, we start to get a sense of what freedom from clinging feels like.

When we take awareness practice into our daily lives, we find many opportunities to recognize the tightening that happens when we hold onto views and opinions. At times we can access fruitful territory where we’re able to let go of being right, or of knowing what to do, or of needing to prove ourselves. We might notice the ‘planning’ mind looking to secure a future for itself a hundred times a day; that noticing, allows us to re-connect with the groundedness and groundlessness of present moment awareness. When we can stay with uncertainty and the disorientation that arises, rather than immediately jump to a limited security of thinking we know who we are and where we stand, we start to experience the rewards of non-clinging.

With an open hand and open mind, we can touch into the experience of those famous words by the poet and visionary, William Blake, we ‘kiss the joy as it flies.’ We stand within a flow of momentary experience and experience a kind of gleeful weightlessness. Freedom from Clinging is accomplished through standing, with awareness and wisdom, in the heart of the mind that clings.

Find out more about the retreat ‘Freedom from Clinging’ HERE

Online retreat: Freedom from Clinging

I’m excited to be offering our sixth annual on-line retreat, running in the post-Christmas lull and seeing in the New Year. Booking is now open.

The retreat will run for five full days from Sunday 28th December to Thursday 1st January. There will be input, led meditations, and the opportunity to ask questions and talk about your practice. In the evenings there will be integrated ritual elements, including a longer evening to mark the New Year.  

The Theme

This year I want to revisit and build on a theme from a few years ago: “Freedom From Clinging”.

The focus of the retreat will be on investigating the nature of the mind that clings or grasps. The retreat will initially refresh the central principles of awareness and right view, and explore the difference between concepts and awareness. After that we’ll focus on using our direct experience to notice how the mind clings, what it clings to, and how we can release from clinging and therefore from suffering.

The Programme

Session 0: 07.00 – 08.30 Unled double meditation (not day 1)
Session 1: 10.30 – 12.30 Main input and led meditation
Session 2: 17.00 – 18.00 Light input and led meditation
Session 3: 20.00 – 21.00 Meditation and puja (until midnight on New Years Day)

There will be optional un-led groups at 16.00 on the first, third and fifth (final) days to check-in about your practice and connect with others on the retreat. There will also be the opportunity for meditation reviews.

This online retreat is for anyone who has previously participated in five days or more of retreat with me.  I will be supported by Vajrapriya.

The retreat is offered on a dana (donation) basis. I’ll say more about this during the retreat.

This year, the bookings will be handled by Zoom. You will receive an immediate acknowledgement from them – look out for it, and check spam if needed – with a link to all the information you need to join the retreat. Please don’t lose the confirmation email, as it also contains your unique joining link.

Neither myself or Vajrapriya have much capacity for emails at the moment, so I’ve listed some Frequently Asked Questions below. Please contact Vajrapriya (vajrapriya@gmail.com) if you still need some practical assistance after reading them.

please book here

I really hope to see you there. You can book HERE

With all good wishes,

Vajradevi

PS I probably won’t be running one next year, so I hope you can make this one.

Frequently Asked Questions

I haven’t been on a five day retreat with you. Can I still come?

Yes, although be aware that some level of understanding and experience of this particular way of practising will be assumed. There will be a brief summary at the start of the retreat, but you are advised to read my book first, and watch some recordings of my talks.

I can’t make every session / I will have to arrive late /I will have to leave early. Can I still come?

Yes, but especially if you will miss the first day, please make sure that you are familiar with this way of practising, as you will miss me introducing the basic practice of receptive mindfulness.

I won’t have retreat conditions at home, and will still need to work / look after the family etc. Is it worth attending?

Yes, this method of practising is especially suited to taking out into your daily life, and doesn’t rely on a lot of quiet.

I will be on a different time zone and not able to attend all sessions in real time. Can I catch up with recordings?

Yes. Recordings (video and audio) will be posted within one hour of each session finishing, so you should be able to watch in your own time, before the next session starts.

How much is the recommended donation?

There isn’t one! I really do invite you to give whatever you wish.

I am really short of money, can I come without leaving a donation?

I want everyone to attend if they want to. If you can’t afford to give this time, that is fine.

The Relationship between Faith and Receptive Mindfulness

Faith isn’t something that is talked about a lot within the practice of receptive mindfulness, so it is good to explore how it fits into meditation practice, especially practice that is emphasizing direct experience. How can we know something like faith directly?

We can use the Buddha’s teaching of the Five Spiritual Faculties to describe the qualities that we are looking to bring into being more and more in mindfulness meditation – and this is what Sayadaw U Tejaniya does. These faculties are mindfulness, wisdom, energy, stability of mind and faith. So here faith is an integral part of what we are cultivating to bring about wisdom and clear seeing.

In my own practice I tend to use the section from the Satipatthana Sutta that is seen as the primary way of defining ‘right mindfulness’ in the early Buddhist tradition. This consists of 4 qualities – mindfulness, clear knowing, helpful energy and a mind free from gross hindrances. This list doesn’t explicitly include faith – although it does emphasize positive mind qualities that are experienced in the quality of awareness free from ‘desire and discontent’.

Bhante Sangharakshita, in his seminar on the Five Spiritual Faculties talks of faith as “for a Buddhist, faith means faith in the Buddha”. He goes on to say that we are really saying when we have faith in the Buddha is that we have faith in the Buddha’s Enlightenment, we have faith or confidence that Awakening is possible – because the Buddha was able to Awaken.

To say that we have faith that Enlightenment is possible is really to say that we have faith or trust in our capacity to grow and to change. We have faith in our ability to change in a positive direction without putting limits on that capacity to grow in many ways. For example, to grow more aware, more patient, more compassionate and wiser.

Faith manifests as a confidence in the teachings of the Buddha, the path to Awakening, and the teachings of mindfulness and wisdom. Looking into our experience directly means that we can recognize in our own heart and mind how that awareness affects the mind. We can notice how the mind feels when faith or confidence or trust are present and see how they benefit the heart and mind. We can see when faith is deepening our ability to practice and serving as a strong motivation.

 We can also learn a lot from a kind of impersonal faith in Awareness itself. We can start to see that when mindfulness increases, the mind starts to understand itself in a new way. Just the act of being aware can stimulate faith by recognizing its role in the positive growth of qualities that allow insight and understanding to flourish.

When, in meditation, we experience the heart-mind brighten or uplift, when we notice the expansive pleasure of deep relaxation of the body and mind through awareness, we can often also notice how these moments of practice increase our confidence in our capacity to tread the Buddha’s path.

Here are a couple of suggestions for practice.

Take faith or confidence or trust as an ‘object’ throughout meditation and into daily life. What does it feel like in the mind-heart or the body? Track your experience of confidence or trust in practice and notice what conditions lead to them increasing or diminishing. If faith qualities diminish this isn’t a cause for concern or judgement but curiosity. If they increase that is also something to get interested in.

Notice what kind of thoughts and feelings might be present when faith is present. What is the relationship between faith and confidence and other qualities such as joy or inspiration, appreciation and gratitude?

Earthquake Relief for Myanmar (Burma)

UPDATED on 28th April

The final amount sent from our Drop In class attendees was £570/E670/$760. Thank you!

After the appeal closed some of you gave directly via Better Burma. I’ve received an email thanking those who’ve given. You can find an update on the situation in Burma though this link https://www.betterburma.org/campaigns/view-campaign/-CKvi0D06Tooco5FoqzVWGkmcgrGTdUpoxB5hUXoW7PVDLA-E5Pn6eIjCt5M5o8CouGd-PFdqq8PGhdbmMJZ_-Sw6MpqiyK6

Earthquake in Myanmar (Burma)

As you will know from the News, parts of central Burma and Bangkok in Thailand are reeling from a severe earthquake a few days ago.

Parts of Burma’s second city of Mandalay and all of the nearby city of Sagaing is flattened with an as yet unknown number of people dead but expected to be in the thousands if not tens of thousands. This area known as the Sagaing Hills is also home to hundreds of monasteries and thousands of monks and nuns, many whom have died. Others, along with Burma’s population, are desperately trying to save the lives of those trapped under rubble working in temperatures of 40 degrees C. Many people have very little food, drinking water and no shelter.

At the Drop-In online class a few days ago, I said that all money given as dana for the class would go to earthquake relief in Burma. Thanks to the generosity of the participants that morning I’m today sending £500/E600/$650 to Burma. These donations are part of a larger collection which Sayadaw U Tejaniya will take to the Sagaing region in a couple of days. This collection will then be closed.

Despite difficulties travelling from Yangon into the affected area and the distance of several hundred miles I’ve decided that this is a better way to avoid money getting into the hands of the Military Junta. If you’re reading the news you will know that many of the large western charitable organizations are running into this problem with less resources getting through to help.

If you would like to give here are a couple of ways that will mean your money goes more directly to helping local people and bypassing the Junta.

https://www.betterburma.org/donation

https://insightmyanmar.org/donation

There is another wonderful organization called ‘Metta in Action’ that you can write to directly to find how to donate to them.

With much metta

Vajradevi

The Art & Practice of Bearing With

A few weeks ago, I was travelling back home by train. The journey was about 5 hours long and during the last of four different stretches the train started to fill up quickly. As people swarmed through the carriage looking for free seats, I was simultaneously trying to put upright a knocked over cup at my feet and pick up my day pack from the seat next to me with the intention to move it. A man stopped and indicated he’d like to sit in the seat. It was fairly obvious (to me) he thought I was reluctant to free up the seat and I told him in a slightly defensive tone that I was moving my bag.

I managed to get my bag on the floor between my knees and he sat down in the seat next to me. A simple and typical exchange on a crowded train you’d think. But I felt regret that I’d reacted, even though only slightly. It wasn’t really what I’d said, but how I’d said it. And I didn’t actually know if he’d been annoyed with me. Perhaps he was just a bit impatient. And anyway, what did it matter if he had assumed the worst – that I was one of those greedy passengers who want two seats while others have none! The atmosphere between us, these two strangers, felt a little sour. I tried to make eye contact, but he stared resolutely ahead. I wanted to say something, anything to lighten things up – but I could think of nothing.

I confessed this incident in a weekly meeting of practice friends, and after I’d described what had happened, I said that this particular area is a weak one for me. If I think I’ve been misunderstood, or my motives are misrepresented it stings. I don’t want to be seen in a way that’s stingier or meaner than I think I am. Or seen in a way that’s just wrong! I don’t like it. Maybe that’s fair enough, and this is probably true for many of us. The important thing is – what happens next? Does it end there? Or do we bite back? A third option which I think is a pretty common one is we manage not to say anything but we ruminate on what’s happened, and internally complain about the other persons attitude.

Sometimes, in certain situations, I’ll bite back. It’s a lose:lose response. It’s not nice for the other person and it’s uncomfortable for me. I usually feel bad that I’ve reacted. After I’d confessed this incident and the habitual nature of other moments like it, it got me thinking more about what happens during those times.

Life throws us moments where we’re misinterpreted or misunderstood. Someone picks up the wrong end of the stick about what we mean, and in a way that reflects badly on us. Or they do something that negatively impacts on us.

What do we do when that happens?

Why is it difficult at times to let it go? To let it roll off like water on a duck’s back?

One reason is that it is unpleasant, it hurts. It’s a moment of ‘dukkha’. When we feel judged or not seen for who we feel we are it is naturally unpleasant. When we’re mindful we’re able to ‘stay with’ what’s happening but our mindfulness is often not 360 degrees in the round. Because of our conditioning we all have sore spots, things that are more likely to trigger a reaction. For example, I find it painful and difficult to be ignored or forgotten about. I’m more likely to react in those circumstances even if mostly it stays as an internal reaction within my own mind.

Mindfulness has a lot in common with forbearance which Sangharakshita helpfully says is an aspect of patience. I think patience is a really beautiful quality with a lot of moral strength. Its opposite, impatience, is very self-absorbed, it’s all about what we want and wanting it now. In that moment we care very little about someone else’s reality. (Road rage is a dangerous example of this).

Forbearance is when we’re able to ‘stay with’ or even to ‘bear with’ the rush of uncomfortable sensations and feelings that can arise in the body and mind  when things aren’t the way we want them to be. It is possible (and desirable) to be mindful of the inner tensions that can arise when the impatient mind wants to act or speak in a way that’s an expression of reactivity. Whether we react internally or not, we can train the mind to be with difficult experiences without reacting externally to others. We practice bearing our own ‘dukkha’ without spraying it around to others.

The Buddha takes forbearance to extremes with an analogy in a teaching called the ‘Simile of the Saw’. He says even if bandits were to saw you from limb to limb train yourselves in this way “Let my mind be unaffected, I will not speak out in anger”. In another teaching the Buddha exhorts a particular Bhikkhu to ‘”Bear it Monk” when he is being treated badly by some villagers who he has previously wronged. This is the power of the unreactive mind; the power of not retaliating to small or large provocations.

The third aspect of my confession was to do with a lack of mindfulness working with wisdom. This happens when we take what someone else does or says personally. Something is being said or implied about ‘me’ that I’m not happy with and I need to protect myself. What rears up in the moment of reactivity is the desire to protect that all important sense of self.

The combination of mindfulness, forbearance and patience, along with clear recognition of ‘dukkha’ is a powerful way to progress in practice and to bring about wisdom. It can be helpful to take this area as a specific focus in practice. After all, it’s in relation to other people we most often experience feelings such as hurt, disappointment or anger. It’s easy to rationalize such incidents where we react as minor and unimportant but we can see how the mind feels when we do fully acknowledge our own faults even if in the greater scheme of things they are small. We don’t leave that sourness that I experienced on the train.

By working with difficult feelings we perfume the world more beautifully as well as our own minds.

You Have a Choice

A question came up recently in a Drop-In class: what do you do when you’re doing the open awareness mindfulness practice, but the mind is resisting doing the practice and wants to go off onto something else? In this case the ‘something else’ was a broad, spaciousness with a hint of the Buddha Amitabha’s love and a large dollop of pleasure.

We were almost out of time, and so my response was brief. I said, at that point you have a choice. You choose whether you are going to stay with the practice you started with or let the mind go onto some other type of practice. You make a conscious decision.

This is OK as far as it goes, but it’s a bit of a limited answer. So here is a more extended one.

Firstly: what are you choosing?

Secondly: who is choosing?

Both of these are in the realm of Samprajana or ‘clearly knowing’. Let’s look at number one.

When you choose to go towards a different practice mid-practice it’s worth looking at your motivation. This is especially true when – as in this case – there is resistance to being with what’s already happening. What is that resistance about? Usually there is some sort of un-seen view that the experience we’re having is not ‘enough’ – not pleasurable enough, not significant enough. We want ‘more’ and we want something different. Sometimes just recognizing and being with what resistance feels like in the mind is enough to transform the experience.

At times, though, resistance comes when we’re putting in too much effort to be aware and we need to ‘settle back’ and bring a greater quality of relaxation into awareness.

When we ‘clearly know’ what is happening in the body-mind we might decide that the condition of the mind needs something else in the moment. We might realize that the mood is flat or sad, for example, and the awareness is not very strong. We can keep plugging away with bringing mindfulness freshly to each moment, and in fact, that’s what I’d suggest initially. But at a certain point, and especially if the mood is going down, suggesting the awareness is not effective, you might decide to look into your toolbox and see what might help. This action is not coming from resistance to the current experience but ‘samprajana’ raising the question ‘what would be helpful for awareness to grow?’ or ‘what would help the mind quality improve?’

You might then choose to resource the mind through a short metta based practice leading to some uplift of heart-mind. Or to take an anchor to increase steadiness and stability of mind. Or you might open yourself to faith through a Buddha figure you have a connection with. It’s helpful to be clear why you are doing what you’re doing and what your aim is. And once you’ve accomplished some stability or positivity or confidence in yourself, you’re able to return to awareness.

Ideally you make the choice at the beginning of a session of meditation rather than switching part way through, though sometimes that becomes necessary.

So, who is choosing? Who is in the driving seat of the practice? With awareness practice we are training in ‘growing’ the qualities of mindfulness and right view/wisdom. We want them to be strong enough factors in the mind-heart to ‘choose’. They give rise to a more impersonal way of guiding our practice that is not based on personal preferences and conditioned habits of mind. They allow us to access different possibilities and to go where our minds don’t usually go. Understanding and clear seeing is a fruit of this type of mind.

When the desire to switch practice comes, we can ask ourselves is wisdom choosing, or is it craving (with their cousin, aversion)? How much of that ‘wanting’ is the same old conditioned mind going down familiar pathways? And can we strengthen awareness and wisdom further, by recognizing in the moment, what that experience of wanting or not wanting feels like, really know it for what it is?

When awareness becomes stronger, and we develop some momentum in the practice we can more easily identify this benign and impersonal quality directing our practice. With wisdom in the driving seat we can trust where the awareness takes us.

The Beauty of Renunciation

Many people begin the New Year with positive intentions but struggle to maintain resolutions, with only 9% succeeding. Factors contributing to failure include lack of accountability and difficulty overcoming deeply rooted habits. Mindfulness supports renunciation by fostering awareness, helping individuals let go of attachments to desires and find lasting satisfaction in presence and wisdom.

It is fair to say that many of us start the New Year with good intentions. We promise ourselves we’ll eat better or exercise regularly or take on a particular ethical precept more intensively. We’ll aim to start something and try and stop doing other things. And while this is admirable it is reckoned that only about 9% of New Year resolutions actually last and are successful. There are a few reasons for this including just acting from convention rather than an integrated decision that you’re really behind, or not anticipating obstacles and that sometimes it will be hard and so we get dispirited and give up. Another reason is accountability; we’re more likely to succeed if we tell someone else what we plan to do or even ritualize the intention as we do on retreats over the New Year period. If we’re not accountable to someone else who might ask us if we’re following through our plan, we’re more likely to fail.

In terms of our practice, we’re often encouraged to have a period of reflection that may well lead to something of a re-set or reorientation. We take stock of how the past year/period has been and anything we’d like to focus on for the coming year. This can be very helpful. It’s also squarely within the realm of renunciation.

Here I’m talking less about renouncing or giving up ‘things’, or bad habits though they have their place in renunciation. These things according to Buddhist teacher Tenzin Palmo are easy to give up. Quite possibly we won’t agree with her here and find it very difficult to make long term changes such as spending less time on our phones or getting ourselves out for a run during the cold winter months. Habits often have deep and strong roots and, as well as our intention to change a habit, other supporting factors need to be in place to have a chance of succeeding.

Tenzin Palmo is saying it’s easier perhaps to make a change like moving into a Buddhist Community or meditating everyday – but how easy is it to actually live every day with a bunch of relative strangers, or to actually be present to what’s happening during meditation. Habits are not just the big moments but all the follow up ones and renunciation is exactly the same.

One of the most supportive mental factors in renunciation is mindfulness. When we commit to being present in the moment, we relinquish other possible actions, or even inhabiting other worlds, for example, of fantasy or wish-fulfilment. Every time we choose awareness we let go of, even just for a few moments, the habits that provide us with some degree of comfort, security, or pleasure, in our lives. Habits are usually formed for precisely this purpose; they reduce uncertainty and feelings of instability in us. They keep us removed from our existential anxiety.

Our habits keep us circling around the pleasures of the senses, and when we’re mindful we’re less concerned with seeking sense pleasure and more interested in being with what’s happening right now. We might feel that the pleasures of awareness and wisdom are less certain rewards – our experience is often either quite dull or at least, a bit of a mixed bag!

However, each moment of reconnecting with awareness strengthens awareness. It also strengthens our capacity to be with that mixed bag with spacious, kindly awareness. Over time this lessens the attraction of seeking pleasure through particular habits of eating or reading or entertainment. We start to choose alternative pleasures such as the satisfaction of presence, the pleasure of interest in the mind, and of recognizing subtle mind states.

This allows for another kind of renunciation to come into play. When wisdom is stronger and working with awareness the mind releases its identification with certain kinds of inner mental and emotional processes through seeing them more clearly.

I think this is what Tenzin Palmo is talking about when she goes on to say ‘genuine renunciation is giving up all our fond thoughts, all our delight in memories, hopes and daydreams, our mental chatter.’ She is pointing to the subtle level of attachment to ideas and dreams that reinforce a sense of self; they add up to what makes me feel like ‘me’.

Mindfulness and wisdom practice help us see how we’re addicted to sense experiences, including the mind ‘sense’ and they don’t necessarily need to be pleasant ones. Any experience that gives the security of ‘I’m here’, ‘this is me’ – even if it’s dull or painful, is worth it.

True renunciation is freeing ourselves from the sticky ties that bind us. The flavour of it is less ‘giving up’ than ‘letting be’ to enable ‘letting go’. According to the Dharma teacher Andrew Cohen  ‘renunciation is where you are allowing yourself to be obedient to the call of the heart….renunciation keeps that spontaneous natural interest in freedom and allows it to manifest and express itself uninhibitedly.’

And it has to start with the precious present; whether it is a moment of sleepy mind, dull mind, wild distracted mind – it is enough to be aware and clearly know. Here we can touch the beauty of the renunciant mind.

The Power of Vedana

A few years ago, I went through a period of what I could call ‘grace’ or ‘flow’. For several weeks I was extremely happy in a way that was characterised by contentment and ease. Difficult things still happened but the mind didn’t react to them.

Right at the beginning of this time I had to make a solo return journey to Virginia Waters, near London. I’m not a confident driver, particularly when I also have to navigate, and I hadn’t been there before.  To add to the potential stress, it was December, and the return 3-hour drive was after dark. At some point a few miles from my destination I missed a turning and got lost. Luckily, I had the google lady adapting to my errors and between us we got me there in the end.

What struck me during the whole journey, and particularly the part where I didn’t know where I was going, in heavy Christmas traffic, was the lack of stress and anxiety in my system. I felt calm and joyful. When I didn’t know where I was, I did my best to listen to the instructions, and to read the road signs. When I arrived, it was with none of the tension and tiredness I would normally experience in such a situation.

For weeks this continued – sunny, open, skilful and joyful states and no or very low reactivity in the mind. And then gradually it declined, and a more familiar mix of mind states started to reappear.

So, what had precipitated these lovely few weeks?

I’d been investigating craving in the mind for quite a while. What this looked like was being curious whenever I noticed desire in the mind, or the mind was hankering after a particular object. I’d narrowed down my field of craving to fairly obvious ones that arose most days. I was specializing in noticing craving for simple sense objects associated with the sense of taste, though this was just a way to look more deeply into how feeling and craving were working in the mind. I tried to be aware of whenever there was pleasant vedana (feeling tone) in relation to taste, or the mind sense’s desire to taste something (craving).

Rather than either having the object (chocolate, pizza, second helping etc) or intellectualizing myself out of having it, I tried to ‘stay with’ with feeling of liking something or wanting it. Each time the mind latched onto something it desired I’d notice the pleasant feeling associated with the object, and any liking or stronger desire to act on the feeling. I’d ask myself whether that little ‘jump’ between a pleasant feeling and acting on the desire it led to, was inevitable.

Explore further on an online retreat in Dec ’24

I kept the awareness light and steady. I was aware of both the object of desire and the reactions in the mind and body. Sometimes I’d deliberately lean into the pleasant vedana of the desired object and then notice the strong physical sensations, and a sort of mental ‘lift’ of liking that would drive the craving. It was very interesting to the mind to observe in this way, and usually the awareness was strong enough not be overwhelmed by the desire and to not have the tasty thing. It was important to the investigation that I didn’t rely on will power but on awareness, and to see that awareness was often enough.

The night before the long drive I was making an online food order at home. I added some Christmas goodies including my favourite ice cream. As my partner looked down the list, he teased me about the ice cream, and I realized I’d completely forgotten about my craving project. Awareness sort of lit up and came ‘online’ and there was a short inner mental tussle followed by several ‘aha’ moments and realizations around craving.

I remember the quality in the mind was completely ‘cool’ towards the ice cream though able to see very clearly the thoughts and different layers of conditioning towards it, and towards the treat mentality I was prone to. Feeling was just feeling, nothing more.

I had a clear sense that it wasn’t inevitable that I act on pleasant feelings. And there was a big moment when I realized that the same was true of all desired objects. I understood that seeing through craving, not acting on it wasn’t a once or twice action but an always action – and I experienced this as liberating.

Even though the effects of these ‘seeings’ lasted a few short weeks, it was very helpful and confidence-giving to see the effects on my whole being of even partial understandings. Since then other ‘seeings’ pop up regularly – the bizarreness of preferring one food stuff over another (not liking apricots in salad, or bananas in curry), or through the mind sense, being with awareness of the unpleasant feelings of anger or shame and feeling their energy liberate.

The earlier experience left a lasting – though inconsistent – habit of ‘staying with’ the feeling. This helps me recognize the craving or aversion present. The mind has developed the habit of finding its own feelings, sensations and thoughts more interesting than having the nice thing or blaming or rejecting the unpleasant aversive object.

Sometimes I notice the feeling tone of ignorance, the mind quality that actively ignores what’s best. The feeling is fairly neutral but undiscerning. The tone is one of low energy with a powerful wilfulness that looks to counter awareness with unawareness. It’s a toss up in those moments who will win out!

‘Staying with’ the feeling with awareness has its own emotional tone. It’s one of satisfaction and meaningfulness that is very close to understanding. Staying with vedana rather than getting lost in the ‘object’ lessens and alleviates dukkha and dis-ease. It helps awareness and right view flourish and strengthen. Awareness of vedana has the power to bring suffering to an end if we can keep the required focus on it.

Explore Vedana further with me in Ways to the Deep: an online retreat between Xmas and New Year.

New Year On-line Retreat: Ways to the Deep

I’m excited to be offering our fifth annual on-line retreat, running in the post-Christmas lull and seeing in the New Year.

The retreat will run for five full days from Saturday 28th December to Wednesday 1st January. There will be input, led meditations, and the opportunity to ask questions and talk about your practice. In the evenings there will be integrated ritual elements, including a longer evening to mark the New Year.  

The Theme:
On this year’s online retreat we will be exploring the quality of Vedana. Vedana, or ‘feeling tone’ arises in every moment of experience and tells us how we feel about something in a very simple and momentary way. Do we experience what’s happening as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral? Whatever we experience from what we hear or see, or sense, for example, will be tinged by a tonality that can be recognized.

From such brief and transient beginnings, clear knowing of vedana has the potential to unlock the mysteries of the mind and our spiritual life. On the retreat we will look at the relationship between feeling and views, and feeling and the teaching of not-self. We’ll also explore the relationship between ‘feeling tone’ and ‘commendable joy’ that accompanies the arising of wisdom in our practice.

As always, the emphasis on the retreat will be using Awareness and Right View as tools to deepen our appreciation and understanding of vedana as a path to Awakening.

This online retreat is for anyone who has previously participated in a week or more of retreat with me.  The retreat assumes a familiarity with the basic approach to mindfulness as a wisdom practice.

I will be supported by Vajrapriya.

The retreat is offered on a dana (donation) basis. I’ll say more about this during the retreat.

The main sessions will run from 10.30 – 12.30, 17.00 – 18.00 and 20.00 – 21.00 GMT. There will be optional un-led groups at 16.00 on the first, third and fifth (final) days to check-in about your practice and connect with others on the retreat.

BOOK HERE

This year the bookings will be handled by Zoom. You will receive an immediate acknowledgement from them. Look out for it and check Spam if needed. It will have all the information you need to join the retreat. You won’t receive further emails from us nearer the time. Keep the email from Zoom safe.

With all good wishes, and hope to see you there,

Vajradevi

Uncontrived Mindfulness & Other Power

On the face of it, the world of Pure Land Buddhism with its emphasis on devotion, on already being ‘saved’, and its sole practice being to chant the name of the Buddha Amitabha (Amida), would seem to have little in common with Mindfulness practice. Mindfulness practice is stripped back with a simple but powerful focus on what is actually happening within one’s own experience and looking to apprehend directly with wisdom ‘how things really are’. Myth, devotion and ritual are often not seen as playing a significant part.

Pure Land Buddhism is primarily about ‘other power’ – opening up to influences from beyond oneself such as the compassion of Amida Buddha, and mindfulness seen more on the side of ‘self-power’ where we need to cultivate or generate awareness.

I’ve been reading a book recently that has prompted some reflections around these areas of practice. The book is ‘The Promise of a Sacred World’ by Nagapriya (Windhorse Publications). Its focus is the 12th Century Japanese teacher Shinran who was influential in developments within the Pure Land tradition.

Initially I was enjoying the book but not finding a lot in common with my own practice of mindfulness, and even finding much of it somewhat alien to awareness practice. But increasingly Nagapriya, as he quoted and unpacked Shinran’s writings from 800 years ago, seemed to be associating ‘other power’ with ‘transformative awareness’. I found myself intrigued and inspired by, and also resonating with the book. I started seeing the connections between my own practice of mindfulness as a path to wisdom and other power.

Initially in awareness practice, even the very receptive kinds such as uncontrived mindfulness, we use ‘self-power’; there’s a cultivation of awareness in the present moment, we set an intention to be aware that sets the mind in a particular direction as opposed to another, and we regularly remind ourselves to be aware. All this is a subtle use of ‘self-power’. There is also self-power in the deliberate training perspective of ‘right view’ with the aim to clearly know what is happening in body and mind more objectively and impersonally. In both awareness and right view, we use self-power to train the mind to a point where awareness and wisdom become strong factors in the mind.

I sometimes use the metaphor of riding a bike to describe this process. Initially we need to push and then peddle, or we’ll fall right off the bike. Without gaining some speed we don’t have any stability or balance. But once we’re going, we peddle less and sometimes (especially going downhill) we don’t need to peddle at all. In fact, to do so is counterproductive and we get in our own way.

The same is true for mindfulness practice; at a certain point we can recognize that it’s not necessary to keep reminding ourselves. Awareness is already present and is working with wisdom under their own steam. We just need to notice that. There is now some momentum in practice. In Shinran’s words we’ve moved from “the false autonomy of ego-directed will’ to (as Nagapriya says) that which “permits a new kind of will to flourish.”

This new kind of will is not self-directed or self-referencing. The Right View perspective also grows stronger and more natural and works with awareness. In Sayadaw U Tejaniya’s words “awareness and wisdom do their own work”. They have become more natural to the mind and slipped the moorings of controlling self-power. They have become ‘other power’; more open to a world beyond that of ‘self’.

We need to be sensitive to this ‘new kind of will’ so that it flourishes. In these times it becomes easy to rest within the present moment. When we’re attentive to present moment experience at this point in practice there is a natural interest in how the mind is working. This interest is the beginnings of wisdom, and the awareness naturally wants to stay with watching and understanding the body/mind.

It turns out that what Shinran is describing is a pathway to the world of ‘transformative awareness’. That world is not separate from our limitations and faults but an ‘additional dimension’ that we can access at any time. The key is present moment awareness which, as we know, is always within our grasp. Whether we’re aware of our human frailties and foibles or knowing some new truth, both are held within awareness that transcends both.

When mindfulness becomes continuous the more attentive we are to the ‘luminous present’ the more access is gained to ‘other power’ as a ‘sacralised present moment’. The mythic aspect of the Pure Land is experienced as the preciousness of fully resting in presence. The language of myth and the sacred points to the mystery of awareness and the mysterious nature of experience. Awareness is precious without us needing to pin down why or how. It can’t be described or explained away; it has a touch of the ineffable. The promise of awareness is the promise of a sacred world where everything is touched by the quality of awareness and wisdom brought to it.