Tag: mental-health

The Power of Vedana

A few years ago, I went through a period of what I could call ‘grace’ or ‘flow’. For several weeks I was extremely happy in a way that was characterised by contentment and ease. Difficult things still happened but the mind didn’t react to them.

Right at the beginning of this time I had to make a solo return journey to Virginia Waters, near London. I’m not a confident driver, particularly when I also have to navigate, and I hadn’t been there before.  To add to the potential stress, it was December, and the return 3-hour drive was after dark. At some point a few miles from my destination I missed a turning and got lost. Luckily, I had the google lady adapting to my errors and between us we got me there in the end.

What struck me during the whole journey, and particularly the part where I didn’t know where I was going, in heavy Christmas traffic, was the lack of stress and anxiety in my system. I felt calm and joyful. When I didn’t know where I was, I did my best to listen to the instructions, and to read the road signs. When I arrived, it was with none of the tension and tiredness I would normally experience in such a situation.

For weeks this continued – sunny, open, skilful and joyful states and no or very low reactivity in the mind. And then gradually it declined, and a more familiar mix of mind states started to reappear.

So, what had precipitated these lovely few weeks?

I’d been investigating craving in the mind for quite a while. What this looked like was being curious whenever I noticed desire in the mind, or the mind was hankering after a particular object. I’d narrowed down my field of craving to fairly obvious ones that arose most days. I was specializing in noticing craving for simple sense objects associated with the sense of taste, though this was just a way to look more deeply into how feeling and craving were working in the mind. I tried to be aware of whenever there was pleasant vedana (feeling tone) in relation to taste, or the mind sense’s desire to taste something (craving).

Rather than either having the object (chocolate, pizza, second helping etc) or intellectualizing myself out of having it, I tried to ‘stay with’ with feeling of liking something or wanting it. Each time the mind latched onto something it desired I’d notice the pleasant feeling associated with the object, and any liking or stronger desire to act on the feeling. I’d ask myself whether that little ‘jump’ between a pleasant feeling and acting on the desire it led to, was inevitable.

Explore further on an online retreat in Dec ’24

I kept the awareness light and steady. I was aware of both the object of desire and the reactions in the mind and body. Sometimes I’d deliberately lean into the pleasant vedana of the desired object and then notice the strong physical sensations, and a sort of mental ‘lift’ of liking that would drive the craving. It was very interesting to the mind to observe in this way, and usually the awareness was strong enough not be overwhelmed by the desire and to not have the tasty thing. It was important to the investigation that I didn’t rely on will power but on awareness, and to see that awareness was often enough.

The night before the long drive I was making an online food order at home. I added some Christmas goodies including my favourite ice cream. As my partner looked down the list, he teased me about the ice cream, and I realized I’d completely forgotten about my craving project. Awareness sort of lit up and came ‘online’ and there was a short inner mental tussle followed by several ‘aha’ moments and realizations around craving.

I remember the quality in the mind was completely ‘cool’ towards the ice cream though able to see very clearly the thoughts and different layers of conditioning towards it, and towards the treat mentality I was prone to. Feeling was just feeling, nothing more.

I had a clear sense that it wasn’t inevitable that I act on pleasant feelings. And there was a big moment when I realized that the same was true of all desired objects. I understood that seeing through craving, not acting on it wasn’t a once or twice action but an always action – and I experienced this as liberating.

Even though the effects of these ‘seeings’ lasted a few short weeks, it was very helpful and confidence-giving to see the effects on my whole being of even partial understandings. Since then other ‘seeings’ pop up regularly – the bizarreness of preferring one food stuff over another (not liking apricots in salad, or bananas in curry), or through the mind sense, being with awareness of the unpleasant feelings of anger or shame and feeling their energy liberate.

The earlier experience left a lasting – though inconsistent – habit of ‘staying with’ the feeling. This helps me recognize the craving or aversion present. The mind has developed the habit of finding its own feelings, sensations and thoughts more interesting than having the nice thing or blaming or rejecting the unpleasant aversive object.

Sometimes I notice the feeling tone of ignorance, the mind quality that actively ignores what’s best. The feeling is fairly neutral but undiscerning. The tone is one of low energy with a powerful wilfulness that looks to counter awareness with unawareness. It’s a toss up in those moments who will win out!

‘Staying with’ the feeling with awareness has its own emotional tone. It’s one of satisfaction and meaningfulness that is very close to understanding. Staying with vedana rather than getting lost in the ‘object’ lessens and alleviates dukkha and dis-ease. It helps awareness and right view flourish and strengthen. Awareness of vedana has the power to bring suffering to an end if we can keep the required focus on it.

Explore Vedana further with me in Ways to the Deep: an online retreat between Xmas and New Year.

Rolling with the Waves

I love being in the ocean and particularly when there are decent enough waves that mean you have to either jump over them or dive through them in order to avoid a pummelling. When I get the timing right it’s such a great feeling to jump and be lifted onto the top of the wave. The waves carry you over without effort and you just go with it.

A lot of my recent learnings in practice have seemed to have this flavour and revolve around rolling with the waves or the punches in one way or another.

I’m very familiar with the opposite to this: a sense of ‘self-digging-in’ like an inner putting my foot down because there’s something happening that I don’t like or don’t understand and am resisting. I’ve practised over and again becoming aware of what resistance feels like in the body and mind.

And what I’m noticing recently is that experience arising less frequently.

I’ve been travelling a lot in the past couple of months and travelling is a great way to not have things go the way you want them or expect them to go. Less than 24 hours before I flew to Singapore en route to Australia my flight was cancelled hiking my travel anxiety higher than it already was on my first long haul flight in almost 10 years. Despite the anxiety I found myself rolling with it and 3 hours later I was rebooked via Istanbul instead of Frankfurt but still arriving within 30 minutes of the original flight.

Travelling also meant I was in unfamiliar territory – literally – I didn’t know how to get to the main road from where I was staying, or how to use the tram (not train or bus!), or where I could buy postcards and stamps. Travelling meant I had to remember to take suncream and a hat whenever I went out instead of gloves and thermal underwear. Or more strangely once I got into the Australian bush – a snake ‘kit’ containing a tourniquet and a phone. A certain amount of discombobulation meshed in me alongside the freedom that comes from relaxing into the unknown.

The most emotive reminder of how far I was from home and familiar territory came on the first full day of the second retreat I led. The weather was hot with the promise of a storm. The day was labelled a ‘total fire ban’ day and the danger level described as ‘catastrophic’. Catastrophic is a strong word especially when coupled with the next word I heard – evacuation. Not a choice but a requirement in the terms of our rental agreement. These were more familiar concepts to the retreatants all from different states of Australia but new – and unexpected – to me.

We ended up evacuating without fuss to the Melbourne Buddhist Centre for a day retreat. Though somewhat unnerving I felt calm and just able to do what needed doing. My friend had organized the retreat making sure there were enough car spaces to take us all (though not our luggage) away from any danger. I remember deciding to pack all my teaching notes, not just ones for the day retreat, having to take seriously that although we expected to be back by nightfall we might not be. If a lightening strike from the expected storms coupled with high winds took hold of the dry bush, we might never return. Sitting in meditation together before heading for the city this was a sobering thought.

There is another aspect to this ‘rolling with the punches’ which is more difficult to describe. This is the desire to have what I want or the insecurity I’m used to arising from the fear of not getting what I want – especially in relation to my partner – is diminishing. This is especially visible around time. Time spent together is precious, and even more so now we both have work that takes us away from home a lot. So, something might come up where it looks like he will need to go away just as I arrive back from leading a retreat meaning another stretch of several weeks apart.

 And what I’m finding is that although I may well get a spike of the old ‘what about me’ reaction and feel resistance to more separation, again, it doesn’t have a lot of juice. That reaction doesn’t dominate and the stronger feeling is more likely to be a generous one – I want him to benefit from the opportunities his new job brings despite the initial reaction of what it means to me.

This is such a relief and a delight for the mind! Self-referencing and self-interest are tight and contracting for the mind and heart. They are viscerally painful and to see them arise and roll on through is to experience my mind in a new way. Trust and confidence are more familiar guests in my psyche these days as a result.

These feel like welcome benefits to the practice over many years of allowing and accepting whatever arises in experience. Relaxing and opening to what life (or the mind) throws up and having a felt understanding that whatever is happening is enough.

One final story; this week I had to travel to Birmingham for a medical appointment. Because of a landslip on the route, we were in a rail replacement coach rather than on the train. It became clear on the return journey the driver really didn’t know where he was going. I found the thought ‘has he never heard of Google Maps?’ running through my mind. We circled one small village for what seemed like an age before inexplicably heading back towards Birmingham. At one point, at traffic lights, he decided to turn the 12-ton coach around in the narrow road performing a dangerous (multi) 3-point turn, hitting various curbs at regular intervals. He was a terrible driver, and the journey took more than double the time it should have.

 And yet rather than the desire to just get home taking over I simply enjoyed the countryside around and the sense of bonding with other passengers over our strange journey. I was OK to be with what was happening despite it being at odds with what ‘should’ be happening.

I’m enjoying the pleasure of the mind that is making fewer demands on the world that it be as I want it to be. And as a result, suffering less – because the mind has begun to understand in a deeper way that the world and everyone in it is never going to be just as I want it.